Let me be direct with you: pornography and relationships are two of the most interconnected challenges facing young people today, and yet this topic rarely gets the honest conversation it deserves. In my work as a high school speaker across Australia, I’ve sat in rooms with hundreds of teenagers, and I can tell you that the impact of porn on their understanding of relationships, respect, and consent is profound.
This isn’t a comfortable topic. But it’s one we cannot afford to ignore.
How Pornography Affects Young People
Exposure to and use of pornography is prolific in young people’s everyday lives. With porn so readily available across devices, it is difficult for many teens to resist. The internet has made access to explicit content almost effortless, and for adolescents whose brains are still developing, that ease of access has real consequences.
The Erotic Autopilot Problem
I’ve heard it said that if you want to know what’s in your heart, you need to look at where your mind goes when it wanders. Unfortunately, many young people today lament that their mind seems to perpetually be on erotic autopilot due to the overuse of their smart devices. They’re not choosing it consciously. It has simply become the default setting.
In my work as a high school speaker, I’ve spoken to many young people who have struggled with the plethora of online platforms where they can access nudity, sexual exchanges, and so-called “thirst traps,” which are provocative photos or videos used to attract attention. The volume of this content, and the algorithms that serve it, make it incredibly hard to step back from.
Lustful Thoughts Don’t Have to Lead to Lustful Acts
The good news is that something can be done. Moreover, while hormones, drives, appetites, and curiosities are a natural part of adolescence, lustful thoughts do not have to lead to lustful acts.
The ability we have as human beings to observe our thoughts means we are not our thoughts. Yes, we are flawed and imperfect and make mistakes. However, that does not mean we cannot desire to reach a higher level of consciousness and character.
Become addicted to constant and never-ending self-improvement.
Anthony J. D’Angelo
The Real Problem: Connection
Studies show that the opposite of addiction is connection. As it turns out, at the core of our compulsive behaviours, we are simply trying to connect: with ourselves, with other people, and with something greater than ourselves. Porn use at its root often stems from this very human need.
The Role of Parents, Teachers, and Mentors
As mentors, teachers, and parents, we all have a responsibility to guide young people and keep them from confusing their need for physical affection and acceptance with sexual arousal and attention. That confusion is at the heart of so much of the damage pornography causes.
Indeed, I see nothing improper in urging young people to move beyond their more instinctive impulses to become thoughtful, careful, and self-sacrificing. These are the traits that have always moved humanity forward.
Pornography and Relationships: Why Respect and Consent Matter
One of the most serious impacts of pornography and relationships combined is the way each distorts the other: young people absorb a version of intimacy that is stripped of respect and consent. Porn typically presents a version of intimacy that is stripped of respect, communication, and genuine connection. When young people absorb these images as a model for real relationships, the consequences can be deeply damaging.
What Healthy Relationships Actually Look Like
In my seminars with young men especially, I talk about what it genuinely means to respect another person: to see them as a full human being with their own dignity, boundaries, and voice. Consent is not just a legal concept. It is an expression of that respect in action. When a young man understands this deeply, not just intellectually but in his bones, pornography loses much of its grip.
This is exactly why I developed the Men of Honour: Mastering the Machine seminar. It’s a powerful, honest conversation with young men about navigating technology, relationships, and what it means to be a person of character in the modern world. If you work with or parent adolescent boys, I’d encourage you to explore it.
5 Strategies to Help Teens Break the Cycle
Here are five practical methods to help your children and students understand the link between pornography and relationships, and work through and beyond compulsive use:
1. Spend More Time with Real People
Remember, the driving force behind compulsive porn use is the need for connection. Spending more time making genuine, face-to-face connections addresses that need directly. Encourage your child to spend time with friends and in activities that require real engagement with others. From team sports to surf lifesaving, chess clubs to local youth groups, there is almost always something in your community that fits.
2. Set Up Restrictions on Devices
It is straightforward to limit access to adult content on modern devices. On iOS, go to Settings, then Screen Time, then Content and Privacy Restrictions, then Content Restrictions, then Web Content, and select “Limit Adult Websites.” If your children are younger, set this up on their behalf. If they are older teenagers, encourage them to take responsibility and set it up themselves. In addition, pass this information on to every parent you know.
3. Get Outside and Move
The hormones that drive sexual impulse need a healthy outlet. Physical activity helps make them more manageable. Some young people love team sports. Others prefer a solo run or bike ride. Many teenagers enjoy exercising alongside a parent and having a goal to work toward together. Whatever form it takes, movement is one of the most effective tools available.
4. Find a Trustworthy Mentor
If your child is struggling with pornography and relationships and doesn’t want to talk to you about it, encourage them to find an honourable mentor: someone who won’t judge them, who they feel they can call when the pull gets strong, and who will help them take better control of the situation. Having a trusted adult in their corner can make all the difference.
5. Aim to Win the Day
Building a new habit takes time. So let your teenager know they cannot expect to change overnight. Instead, they should take things one step at a time, aiming to do slightly better with each passing day. Progress, not perfection, is the goal. Celebrate the small wins. That’s how lasting change actually happens.
The World We Want to Build
Jonah Mix put it powerfully when he said:
I’m not interested in a world where men really want to watch porn but resist because they’ve been shamed. I’m interested in a world where men are raised from birth with such an unshakable understanding of women as living human beings that they are incapable of being aroused by their exploitation.
Jonah Mix
That is the world I’m working toward, one school community at a time. Understanding the connection between pornography and relationships is the first step in building young people with genuine character. When it comes to porn use, the most important thing is to avoid judgement. Having an open, honest dialogue is essential so that teenagers feel they can reach out for help and guidance when they need it. Above all, we want young people to develop a deep and genuine respect for themselves and for others, because that is what healthy relationships are built on.
Looking for a respectful relationships seminar for your school? My Men of Honour Seminar speaks directly to young men about respect, consent, technology, and what it means to be a person of genuine character. View all school seminars or visit The HopeFULL Institute to learn more.