Every Father’s Day, let’s celebrate Dads and the amazing impact they can have when it comes to encouraging self-confidence, curiosity and a positive attitude in their kids. Father’s Day is the perfect moment to pause and think about positive parenting, and about the kind of dad each of us wants to be.
I am a father of four children, and I can tell you first hand that being a father will change your life… and wreck all your plans.
Joking.
Sort of.
Seriously though, I love being a father. It is my favourite role as a man.
But fathering, in some circles, is taking an absolute hammering.
How the Media Gets Fatherhood Wrong
Recently, a UTS Professor reviewed:
- 650 newspapers
- 330 hours of TV
- 100 magazines
He found men were overwhelmingly portrayed in a negative light. Across all mediums, the coverage demonised, trivialised and marginalised them.
Commercials and TV shows perpetuate ‘stupid man syndrome’. These days, people disparage masculinity as a whole and label it toxic or misogynistic.
For example, images of fathers throughout the last 50 years range from the incompetent Al Bundy in Married with Children to Homer Simpson, to Everybody Loves Raymond or Alan in Two and a Half Men.
More recently, there is Phil Dunphy from Modern Family and even the hapless Daddy Pig in Peppa Pig. Overwhelmingly, the shows characterise these fathers as immature and irresponsible.
We do now have Bandit in the Australian show Bluey to set a great example of how awesome Dads can be, but mostly representations of modern fatherhood in the media are confirming to emerging generations that fathers are useless.
These programs fail to accurately represent the modern male experience. They don’t reflect the important contribution that fathers make to their families.
It seems capricious that on one hand we are telling men to step up and be involved, while simultaneously running them down in the media.
Fathers, even in today’s modern inclusive world, are rarely portrayed in a positive light in the media. When they are, they are parodied as either a competent man but uninvolved father, or an involved father but incompetent man.
Most men are good men, but a culture that does not value their importance has derided them.
But I can tell you firsthand that a good father, practising positive parenting, can change lives. And many do.
If you’re a dad, here are five ways to engage with your children and help them thrive, this Father’s Day and every day.
Five Ways to Help Your Children Thrive This Father’s Day
1. Teach Them to Be Strong
Not just physically but emotionally.
Emotional strength is undeniably held together by hope. I believe hope is the most powerful driver of human achievement.
Hope is a function of struggle. People with the highest hopefulness have the knowledge that they can move through adversity. When we take adversity from our children, we diminish their capacity for hope.
Studies have shown it takes just seven minutes for a father’s mood to start infecting their family.
As a parent, are you displaying hope at home? Do you create an aftermath or an afterglow? Fathers who leave an afterglow are those who have mastered the art of emotional intelligence and self-regulation as part of their positive parenting. They derive their strength from an inner place of vitality and power.
Life is about change and challenge, risk and growth. Our children can’t be fully alive and learn what they need to learn as growing humans without the benefit of risk. Risk gives children critical skills including risk assessment, dexterity, resilience and social savvy.
You can’t give your children what you don’t have. You can’t raise strong, resilient, confident, happy and hopeful children if you don’t reflect those attributes yourself, no matter how much importance you place on it.
So, the question is not, “Am I parenting the right way?” It is, “Am I the adult I want my children to grow up to be?”
2. Cultivate Their Problem-Solving Skills
I actually tell my kids not to always come to me with their problems. If it is an issue beyond their current capacity, then of course let’s sit, talk and find a way through. But they don’t need to run to me every time they have a squabble with their siblings. I don’t need to solve every issue for them.
Of course, knowing when to help and when to hold back is a skill every parent needs to develop as part of good positive parenting. Our goal is to help them launch, and to help them build the capacity to live both an independent and collaborative existence.
Let them figure it out for themselves.
In other words, coach your kids in the art of problem-solving and constantly cultivate this skill.
The people who get paid the most are not those with the highest score at the end of the school year, but those who are adept at solving problems.
3. Nourish Their Curiosity
One thing for certain is that all children are curious. But sadly, their natural curiosity diminishes with age as they are taught to retreat to the safety of routine and soft fall playgrounds.
But there are obstacles which sometimes need to be faced. Life is full of unknowns and littered with the unfamiliar, and in this space some children can become anxious.
How a child handles the conflict between feelings of curiosity and feelings of anxiety will determine how they feel about themselves and what they do with their lives. Will they explore or escape? Do they strive towards dreams and aspirations, or work hard to avoid failing and making mistakes?
With the right mindset, novelty and intrigue can be found everywhere.
Learning Through Tinkering
50 Dangerous Things You Should Let Your Kid Do is a fabulous book by Gever Tully. His philosophy is learning through tinkering. It’s a provocative title, but it’s really about safety.
The author talks about how we have gone overboard with safety messages. There are warnings on coffee cups that the contents might be hot, and any item sharper than a golf ball is considered too sharp for anyone younger than 10.
As a result, when you eliminate everything sharp, then when a child does come in contact with anything remotely pointy, they hurt themselves. This is because they have never been taught how to handle anything dangerous.
Below are a few of the 50 recommendations from Gever Tully’s book:
- Lick a 9-volt battery
- Play in a hailstorm
- Stick your hand out the window
- Drive a nail
- Put strange stuff in the microwave
- Climb a tree
- Find a beehive
- Play with fire
- Sleep in the wild
- Deconstruct an appliance
I can almost hear you saying, “Oh, they shouldn’t do that, and that, and that!” as you read that list.
But we should be training our children to interact with the world around them. We want them to be creative, confident and in control of their environment.
If you can’t do something afraid, you won’t do anything at all.
My go-to catchphrase with my children when they are scared to participate in an activity for the first time, whether it is jumping off a diving board, riding a rollercoaster or riding down a steep hill, is: “First time scary. Second time little bit scary. Third time fun.”
Replace Fear With Bravery
Don’t get caught up in fear-based parenting but rather live with faith and hope in the strength and resilience of your child. If they never learn to fail, they will never learn to get back up again.
Young people are tired of being afraid. They want to be brave. They want someone to believe in them. There is plenty of research to back up the fact that children get their confidence from their dads, so encourage them to step outside of their comfort zone and give them the opportunity to be brave.
Avoid comments like:
- She is too little for that
- He might get hurt
- I can’t stand to see her fail
- Get down from there, you will break your neck
- You will poke somebody’s eye out
Don’t put fear in your kids. Let them deal with stuff.
Ultimately, the best way to give your kids courage is by leading the way. Let them see you jump, and even if you fall, let them see you get up and try again. Help them face their fears.
4. Teach Them Joy
Childhood is not preparing for life, it is life.
Never postpone your happiness.
If you are on a plane, and the guy next to you has stolen your armrest and he has bad breath, don’t spend the whole flight angry and irritated and let the moment steal your joy. Choose to keep your peace. That’s emotional intelligence.
Don’t let your environment dictate to you how you will feel. You are not a product of your environment. You are a product of the choices you make in that environment.
Find Joy in the Everyday
We say we will be happy when:
- The kids grow up
- When they are all out of their car seats
- When we are pram free
- When they are all at school
- When they leave home
- When we retire
- When we are lying on a hammock in the Maldives
No! Get happy now.
Why? Because these are the moments, these everyday moments are what life is made up of. Find the divine in the everyday moments.
For me, when I have to go to the shops to run an errand, I say, “Who wants to come with me?” It might cost me a cupcake, but it’s worth it. I try to include my kids in the everyday routine.
Above all, spending regular time with your children is one of the best forms of positive parenting there is. Ask them open-ended questions about themselves, the world and how they see it, and actively listen to their response.
Make sure your kids have multiple streams of influence such as school, church, cultural influences, music, cousins and sporting clubs. So if something goes funky in one area, they can find joy in another.
Make them laugh by telling funny jokes. Be playful by saying, “Tip, you’re in!” as you run for the nearest exit.
What I’ve noticed about men as they age is they either get crankier or kinder, harder or softer. Decide to err towards the latter.
5. Show Them Who You Are
You are your child’s first and best representation of a man.
Not everything should be about your children. It is just as important to show them who you are and let them in on your interests. Let them know you are human and have a life too.
If you play poker with your friends, bring your kids along and teach them how to play. I have the State of Origin on every year at my place. Twenty male friends come around and it’s riotous. My children love to see their dad interact with his peers and they enjoy hearing the friendly banter.
If you love history, cars, boats or fishing, include your kids.
They may not enjoy or like your hobbies or interests, but that is not the point. The point is getting to know each other and bonding with your children, creating moments where that can take place.
Why Positive Parenting Starts With Dads
In short, everything above is really just positive parenting in action. Positive parenting isn’t about being perfect. It’s about showing up, staying emotionally strong, letting your kids struggle a little, protecting their curiosity, choosing joy, and letting them see who you really are.
Bringing These Ideas Into Your Home
This is exactly what I unpack in my Positive Parenting seminar, where I share five fundamental positive parenting tools based on positive psychology research, tools that any dad (or mum) can start using straight away.
Want to build these positive parenting habits into your family? Learn the five fundamental tools I teach every parent in my Positive Parenting seminar, or visit The HopeFULL Institute to learn more.
Enjoy this and every Father’s Day! May your children bring you joy in this moment and forevermore.
Read more: Ten bright ideas for a productive morning routine.